All Clear

I was at the hospital yesterday dropping off a job application and I decided to sneak in a week early for my 3 month chest x-ray. All clear! The swelling is finally subsiding from the left hand side of my chest and I had been a little concerned about a lump I was feeling. Now I know its likely just my rib. Heh Heh

I got a little taste of what it will be like in the future when I finish chemo and am not under constant care of my oncologist. I feel relatively safe now because I am continuously being questioned about any physical weirdness by a doctor. How will I quiet that little voice of worry when I am freed of the weekly consults?

Finding a new lump would be cause for having it checked out immediately. More ominous would be lasting aches in joints or bones which could signal a bone metastasis. Bloating or pain in the stomach could be a liver metastisis. A cough that won't go away or trouble breathing could be a lung metastisis. Or heaven forbid, a headache could be a brain metastasis. Any of these symptoms could be nothing at all or normal aging.

Recurrance happens most frequently during the first two years after treatment. After two years the recurrance rate drops. If you go ten years without recurrance the rate drops even more dramatically. A local recurrance is usually as treatable as the first occurance and could still produce a cure. A distant metastasis usually means a low chance of a cure with the purpose of treatment being an attempt to slow down the growth of the new tumor(s).

I am learning how to meditate now in hopes of controlling my fear of recurrance. The method I am trying is basically this. When thoughts are cycling over and over I try to step back and recognize that I am not my thoughts. I view the thoughts as if they are the antics of a small child. The brain is in the habit of repeatedly analyzing things that happened in the past and things that could happen in the future. If a person can focus purely on what is happening in the present moment it interrupts the cycle of useless worry. I am able to do this for a few seconds at a time now and feel a sense of peace. It feels very relaxing. Over time the peaceful periods will be longer.

Has anyone reading this been successful doing this sort of meditation? I would love to hear of your experience.