The Meaning Came Back

The day after coming home from the hospital, my parents and my sister came to our house with a 14 foot tree and supplies in hand to deck out our new house with decorations for Christmas. I remember that weekend as a wonderful time, appreciating each caring word and gesture, my mom working non-stop shopping, cleaning and cooking, my dad working from sun up to sun down helping out with tasks only a dad knows how to do and my sweet sister Anne making me laugh while she turned our house into a beautiful Christmas spectacle.
My son Tanner got into the act putting lights up outside in the cold and made my happiness complete. John, the ever diligent worker was stuck in the office trying to catch up on the work that had piled up while he stayed with me in the hospital.

I revelled in our Christmas wonderland, watching the snow fall on the pine trees outside our living room window, for the next couple of weeks while recovering. Granted, the pain meds and Xanax helped keep my euphoria going. I was looking forward to all of my immediate family, including my brother Mark, his wife Renell and 3 kids, and Carol's arrival at our house for Christmas day.

The weather was dicey on Christmas, yet everyone came regardless of the time and trouble it took. Mark's family had to travel 3 hours each way that day, on snowy roads.

I don’t remember a happier Christmas. A few from my childhood come close. I had had my first Chemo treatment 5 days prior and was bone tired after any sort of exertion, like for instance, standing up. On Christmas Eve, I was overcome with emotion when my husband John played a recording of a song he had composed for me. The lyrics that get me every time are

And in the middle of the darkest days
When the light in your eyes starts to fade
and "hope" is just a word people say
When you feel like you have gone astray
I hope that I can take it all away
And do for you what you have done for me


I had moments during that time period where I would succomb to underlying sadness and despair. But during the days around Christmas, looking around the room at all the people I love so much, who have given me enough good memories to fill a lifetime, my mourning for what I'd lost and fear of what the future would bring were erased.