What I Wouldn't Give

To be told that there is a cure. Like this one. Melanoma is a frightening form of cancer. Especially stage 4. Yet this man, with stage 4 cancer received this revolutionary treatment and appears to be cancer free after 2 years. Reading this article makes me feel like it could really happen for all of us. A treatment that does more than save a life. A treatment that gives another a release from the fear that a recurrence will drastically alter their life again.

Man, my 3 month checkup cannot come soon enough. I am looking now at another condition and what it might mean. The skin on my left hand side, where my breast used to be and that which swelled after surgery because of a seroma, is puckered and wrinkled and has a scaly appearance. I've always assumed that the scaliness would go away, but it hasn't. The skin is totally numb. All nerves there are dead. Well my internet wandering eyes find that skin that is puckered and scaly is a sign of advanced breast cancer. Crap. Reading that makes me nervous as hell. But, realistically its just my skin doing the best it can after surgery.

I really just need to see the doctor.

Would You Care To Share?

How has my, or another loved one's diagnosis or personal tragedy affected the way you live your life afterward?

If you don't feel comfortable posting publicly and would like to help me learn about how people react and change from another's life altering event, feel free to email me at lpacemissoula@hotmail.com.

Thank you in advance for sharing.

Subconscious Manipulation Part Deux

I made an appointment with my oncologist today for my 3 month post chemo checkup. It's set for a couple of weeks from now, July 9th, the day before I head to Michigan to visit John's parents, grandma and his sibling's families. I am so excited to go. The last time I saw any of them was a few days before my mastectomy/oophorectomy surgery last November. We'll have so much fun catching up. There will be lots of hugs, smiles, storys and some really good food and wine to share. Brownell family here we come!

I had a dream last night that is indicative of my current state of insanity. John woke me up in the middle of the night because I was shaking and moaning and was covered with goosebumps. I remember him waking me and I was able to tell him what I was dreaming about.

I was at a school with my sister Anne to learn how to be wizards. Wizards, that when fully educated and experienced, can cure cancer. The school looked in my dream like Hogwarts, Harry Potter's boarding school of wizardry. We had made it through the first year of challenging courses. We had left our families in order to attend. When John woke me up, Anne and I were flying through the air, laughing an evil laugh, chasing a poor human who was running from us on the ground. At the same time we were being chased by flying demons/ghosts. It was terrifying. Aaaaaack! It makes my chest tighten up thinking about it.

I have a fear that a pain in my left ribcage might be a cancer metastisis. I have felt it for the last 4-5 days when my bra presses against it. Or especially when I lay on that side.

Now, the chance of it being cancer are probably miniscule. The thing that is driving this fear is that the sore spot is located behind where my tumor was. I now understand why people worry incessantly about aches and pains that you would not give a second thought. Aches and pains that turn out to be nothing to worry about. Its commonly told to cancer patients to wait 2 weeks before reporting a worrysome symptom to your oncologist. It will probably go away before then.

My rib will stop hurting any day now too.

Be A Good Girl And Eat Your Mushrooms

This is very cool. White stuffing mushrooms inhibit aromatase, which is an enzyme that the body needs to produce estrogen. Researchers used laboratory and mouse studies to confirm that the anti-aromatase compounds stopped the growth of breast cancer cells. They found that mice that were fed mushroom extract had a 58 percent reduction in breast tumor growth. Read the complete article here.

This anti-cancer effect is also being studied with respect to prostate cancer.

Fun Weekend At The Lake

Had a magical weekend at the lake. Fun, easy days enjoying my family. Watching my son and nephews head straight to the dock and jump on the jet skiis for their first rides of the year. Permagrins on their faces out on the water. Lots of laughter and screams from the shock of cold water and terrifying tube rides. Pristine green foliage. The smell of pine trees. Happy faces all around. It was a beautiful sunny 85 degrees. The lake was like glass on Saturday.

Appreciating my dad. He works so hard to make the lake place heaven on earth for his family. He worked 90% of the time that he was there this weekend and that is only a fraction of the time and expense that he has so generously given this spring. Appreciating my mom and sister. We had so much fun painting and redecorating our beloved cabin.

I would post pictures but I forgot my camera in Kalispell. Will be sure to share some as soon as I can.

I am so happy and grateful for what I have.



John on the dock a couple of years ago.










Me pulling a skier a couple summers ago. Yes, I should be looking where I am going.

So Here's What I'm Thinking

I'd like to write a small book. A guide for people newly diagnosed.
Not from a medical perspective, there's plenty of those. My book will describe the emotional side of cancer. It will serve as a guide through the process of losing your sense of self. Of rebuilding.

That's what happens when you get diagnosed.

You go through profound changes in a very short amount of time.

You lose your looks. You do what you can to not draw attention to your self when you grow pale, thin, hairless and weak.

You lose your safe foundation that has been meticulously constructed. First built from your parents beliefs that are ingrained in the very fiber of your being. Then through the lessons, big and small, learned through your school and adult years. Drastically, that safe foundation is ripped out from under you and you grapple with fear issues and frightening surgery and medical treatments.

You lose the ability to function at a high level. Its embarrassing.

All of these things can lead to isolation.

Its my hope that I can explain, from the perspective of someone who's been through the ringer, how important it is to feel the grief. Collapse and surrender to the fear. Cry like you've never cried before. Acknowledge your mortality. Thrive from the lessons that physical suffering brings. Experience the overwhelming warmth that loved ones provide. Dive in deep when shared fear and realization that life is short gives you the chance to deepen relationships. And then smile, when you wake up and realize that you have several days ahead free of nausea and feeling poisoned.

Some days are a struggle. Other days are precious and you feel a level of contentment many others are unaware of.

The old Laurie would have never attempted writing a book. The cool thing about getting cancer is that its given me a what the hell attitude. What the hell.

My Body Without Estrogen

There is a downside to taking a prescription drug that keeps your body from creating estrogen. Since the cancer cells from my biopsies were tested and found to feed off estrogen, taking Femara is a no-brainer.

I've been on Femara for 8 weeks now and the side-effect of stiff and painful joints is spreading. Just this week my shoulders and elbows started aching when I sleep. I don't feel achy in those particular places during the day. My hips and ankles bother me the most during the day. Pain and stiffness in my hips, knees and ankles is most pronounced when getting out of bed.

Another interesting side effect is muscle soreness after exertion. I'm not talking about normal soreness I grew accustomed to during my 20+ years of running. Now, when I up my mileage a reasonable amount I am sore for 4 or 5 days. Prior to Femara, soreness only lasted the typical 48 hours. Scientific studies have found that estrogen plays a part in healing strained muscles.

I don't like to think about what shape my joints will be in after being on Femara for 5 years.

Breast Cancer Survivor

I don't care for being referred to as a breast cancer survivor. My image of a survivor is someone who has won a battle. Someone who can celebrate their victory and put the ordeal behind them. For me, survivor doesn't define what being stricken with breast cancer is about. To me, more appropriate labels include unlucky, casualty, prey, underdog.

When I traveled to Helena for the Komen Race For the Cure last month I was surprised how strongly I was repelled by the label of survivor being thrust upon me. I didn't want to put on the pink survivor t-shirt. I didn't want to be part of that group. I was not proud to be part of the group. I was there to run a race. I was there to run with my son, nephew and sister and enjoy being active and strong after a depressing winter of chemo treatment. I was there to visit Jody, my dear sister-in-law from my previous marriage, who has supported me with such unselfishness and kindness.

When it was time to join the other survivors on the Capitol steps I reluctantly put on my pink t-shirt and walked up with the 1 year survivors. The other groups of cancer survivors were called up according to the length of time since their diagnosis. Then it was announced that the song "We Are Family" would be played so that we could clap and sing along. After the song started I looked around at the singing and celebrating women surrounding me and I felt irritated and indignant. What were we celebrating? Being afflicted with cancer? I can't celebrate, in any way, having a harrowing, hideous and vicious disease.

We can't fight to survive cancer. Either treatment works or it doesn't. We are either lucky or we're not. Its quite simple, we take the treatment and we endure. We try to stay positive. Not because we really believe that a good attitude increases our chances of surviving, but because its easier to cope that way. And, the really great thing is that we don't know which direction we are headed.

Survivor my ass, its not that glamorous.

Featured Blogger

I was contacted by the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere.com, where they are building a network of health bloggers. They are going to put my blog stuff within a not yet live Breast Cancer community area of the site, and also within a magazine-like Wellsphere360 section. If I contribute often enough they'll feature me on the home page. I'll give you a link once my stuff is published there.

I'll Believe Anything

Last week was one of those weeks that cancer people have. Where the mind keeps nudging you to pay attention to the fear that stalks you. Maybe if you stop and focus, and just think intelligently about it you'll find the solution. You'll find some sort of proof that convinces you that you don't need to keep your thoughts in the present. Regain the courage to dream beyond 5 years. But no matter how many times you replay conversations with the oncologist in your head, or review statistics, the problem cannot be solved. Rightly, no credible doctor or researcher will give you a guarantee of a future without the return of cancer.

After several days I was just plain tired of being fearful. Being around others was difficult. I preferred to be in a dark quiet place because I didn't have much tolerance for noise. Searching online for new articles about developments in cancer research was comforting because it kept my mind occupied. When I failed to find the nebulous information I was seeking I started reading other cancer people's blogs. I came across Bert Scholl's blog and read it with interest. This reading introduced me to the Gerson Therapy. A natural, diet-based cancer therapy. Bert's blog intrigued me enough to look further into the therapy. Watching the 11 part video series on YouTube took me the good part of a Sunday. I was enthralled. The stories told started to give me hope. Hope for a future without worry and sickness. All I had to do was follow this diet/supplement/enema regime. I truely began to believe. With all my heart. I had spring in my step again and I was excited. Secretly I started thinking about a way that I could go to the Gerson clinic in Mexico to begin the therapy as a way to forestall a recurrence of breast cancer.

When John walked into the room while I was watching a Gerson video I felt defensive. I didn't want any one to burst my bubble of hope and optimism. I so badly wanted to stay optimistic about having a future without worry. But, it was at that moment that I realized that I was deluding myself. My dream of a carefree future began to unravel. When John left the room I cried.

I held on to the dream though for a few days. I don't remember exactly when I stopped. I just stopped looking for proof.

I am not ashamed to admit that I was foolish. You can snicker and laugh. It won't hurt my feelings. I won't stop myself from following another foolish dream in the future. It felt that good to be carefree for a while.

Janitors Say The Darndest Things

At Target we have a sweet, but most annoying janitor. Each morning, like clockwork, he comes to the pharmacy to have one of us come and unlock the pharmacy-only restroom so that he can clean it. I understand why, now, that management doesn't just give him a key. We would not feel comfortable using the restroom knowing that he has a key.

The pharmacist always gets very busy when the janitor asks to be let in, so its always me that goes out into the hallway behind the pharmacy to let him in. He's Italian, approximately 25 years old and speaks broken english.

He has a problem with talking too much, interrupting people's work and not getting his work done in a timely manner. You literally HAVE TO walk away while he is still talking to you. If not, you will still be there 20 minutes later looking for a way to politely end a conversation. He says things like "I wear cologne today and shave to make girls say aaaahhhhh he look good today". Also "I have sense of humor, right? You not need to be afraid of me".

A few weeks back I was letting him in the restroom. The door is really heavy so I was holding it open so that he could get his mop bucket rolled in. He turned around and said "High five"! I squeamishly put my hand up, so I didn't rudely leave him hanging, and he grabbed it and pulled me in the bathroom! I must have looked horrified because he let go and started in on another rendition of "I am funny, see? I have sense of humor". I left him in the dust and walked quickly back to the pharmacy.

So, last week I decided I'd had enough of the itchy wig and wore a baseball cap to work instead. When the Italian janitor came to the pharmacy, a new intern, who doesn't know yet how to duck when he comes around volunteered to let him in the bathroom to clean. Later, on my break I passed him in a hallway and acted like I didn't see him. He yelled after me, "Are you lady that works in Pharmacy"? I was caught, and turned halfway around. "Yes", I replied. He was puzzled and said "You not recognize me"? I grunted and tried to keep moving. Then he said "You look very different". "You shave head"? I didn't want prolong the converstation so I said yes. Then he dropped the truth bomb. "You much prettier woman before". "Before you look like woman, now you look like girl, or boy".

Ha ha! He's right, but jeez!

Here's me today, 8 weeks post chemo, with my wig and without it.

Six Months Since

Six months ago today I came home from the hospital after bi-lateral mastectomy and oophorectomy surgeries. A couple weeks later I started chemotherapy. And I was scared to death.

Today things are much different. You have probably noticed I don't write much these days. There's not much to write about other than good things! Funny thing is it doesn't occur to me to sit down at the computer to write about good news. Writing has been what I've done over the past few months when I felt overanxious.

As far as my body is concerned I have only a few complaints. Joint pain, a common Femara side effect, continues. Especially in my hips and knees. The left side of my chest, on the side, under my armpit has pulsing pain every minute or so. Sort of a burning and stinging feeling. Its not strong enough to wake me at night though. My theory is that some nerve healing is going on. I do not feel a lump there so I am not worried about it.

My hair continues to grow. This makes me happy. I would describe it as thickening fuzz now. Not quite as long as a very short crew cut. Have you seen Robin Roberts from Good Morning America recently? She's stopped wearing her wig and I think she looks great. I think that my hair will be about the length her's is now, by early August. I can see myself feeling comfortable wearing my hair that short in public.

I got hit by fatigue yesterday and took a 3 hour nap in the afternoon and then slept soundly all night. For a few days prior I noticed my legs felt increasingly tired, especially after walking up a flight of stairs. Just one week prior I was energetic and able to run 5 miles at a time without fatigue. When I feel this fatigue I also notice a strange feeling when stretching my quadriceps (kneeling down, sitting on my feet and leaning back). Instead of the feeling of stretching I feel fatigue in the muscle. I'd like to know why that is.

Work is going well now. I really look forward to going to work each day. How lucky am I?

Wear Sunscreen

I'm passing on this link to a powerful blog written by a young gal named Sarah. Read it, it will break your heart. But it just may convince you to take better care of yourself. You deserve that.

Sarah's Blog

Detached

My perspective is still skewed. My new normal I guess. Several times a day I find myself holding back from really engaging in life. It all still feels so temporary to me. As if the return to normalcy that I am experiencing now could be pulled out from under me at any moment.

I've let myself imagine, only once or twice since finishing chemo, finding evidence of disease in my body. A small lump in my chest or under my arm or in my neck. The ominous feeling of "knowing" it's bad news feels like heartburn in my chest and fear rises up from my stomach into my throat.

You see, I keep a part of me protected from this dreaded experience by not letting hope seep all the way into my heart. This protected part of me would not be shell-shocked by horrific news, if it were to occur.

To Genava

My friend is going through a very hard time. I want you to know Gen that you are a beautiful, unselfish, loyal person. I hope you realize how much you mean to me and all of the other countless people who are blessed have you in their lives. I believe that you will come out of the death you are dealing with now, stronger. Don't hesitate to call for help when you have doubt.

Love ya Gen

Do You Realize?

This song was written by the Flaming Lips for a friend who was dying of cancer. I think it applies to any sort of loss. The lyrics remind us that life is short and its hard to make the good times last. Its most important to let people you love know that they bring joy and meaning to your life. The sun doesn't really go down, its just an illusion we believe for now. Things will get better.

Counting Hairs

I've counted em. Only 3 left on the right and 5 left on the left. My eyelashes that is. WTF? This happens now? Six weeks AFTER finishing chemo? I remarked to John tonight that I look more like a chemo patient now than I did during treatment. He responded saying he didn't think so. I have color in my face now. I've also gained 4 pounds which fills out my face. I feel much better now too.

I am so much less self-conscious now of my hairless state so its a blessing that this didn't happen earlier.

I forget that I still look alot different than other people. I was in McDonalds last week having breakfast by myself. I was wearing a beanie hat, eating and reading a book called Pretty Is What Changes. Its such a good book (thank you Shar!). Halfway through my breakfast a young gal who was washing tables came up to me, said hello and asked me what I was reading. I told her the title and that it was a book about breast cancer. She responded asking "Is that what you have?". It was so sweet, the way she asked. I was taken aback by how empathetic and sincere she was. I told her yes, that I had breast cancer. She stopped her work and looked me right in the eye and said, I hope things turn out okay for you and you get well again. It felt so good to hear those kind caring words from a stranger.

I'm Ordering This T-Shirt

My Crutch

Its time I come clean. Not only have I had unwavering support from family and friends through my cancer ordeal but I have also kept a fragile emotional state in check by taking antidepressants.

I started taking them several weeks after diagnosis. I take Lexapro in the morning and Trazodone just before bed. These wonderful medications have given me a fresh new perspective each day and the ability to sleep soundly every night. I think that without Lexapro I would have fallen prey to deep depression. I needed something to help with paralyzing fear and a steady decline in my ability to cope. I did not get much sleep during the nights before starting Trazodone. Thats when my terror-filled thoughts were at their most extreme.

I think I'm ready to taper off using the medications and learn to deal with fear on my own. I'm halfing my Lexapro dose as a start. I suspect you'll be reading more posts about fear and uncertainty as I begin dealing with life without crutches.

Red Wine & Breast Cancer Recurrence

While perusing the breastcancer.org website today I found some good news. Its good news for me because I like to drink a glass or two of red wine before dinner. All I have ever hear prior to today was that red wine causes up to a 20% increase in the risk for cancer. So I have felt guilty for every glass I've raised since being diagnosed.

An interview on breastcancer.org answers questions on the subject of red wine consumption and breast cancer. There have been no studies show an increased risk of breast cancer recurrence for moderate red wine drinkers. Also on the good news front, there is scientific evidence that a phytochemical in grape skins (which is contained in red wine) inhibits aromatase, which lowers a woman's estrogen level. This is good news for estrogen-driven cancer like mine. In fact, I take a drug called Femara, to the tune of $350 dollars per month, that inhibits aromatase on a much stronger level.

Cheers! Drinking a little red wine actually starves estrogen lovin' cancer cells.

Laurie

Intriguing Article On Fasting and Chemotherapy

I really wish I had seen this article before I started chemo. I would have tried fasting prior to chemo treatments.

Excerpt from the article

Starving mice for a few days before chemotherapy treatments protected their healthy cells from damaging side effects, offering a possible way to shield cancer patients from the debilitating hair loss, nausea and anemia that now plagues the treatments, researchers reported Tuesday.

The study, published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, could also allow the use of more potent chemotherapy doses without endangering patients.


Read the entire article here
http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-starve5apr05,0,6821595.story

State Of The Body Address

Taking stock of my body this morning I must say things are looking up. My energy level, while still affected by overdoing it some days, is gradually stepping up. My nose has stopped its bleeding completely. Five months after bi-lateral mastectomy/lymph node removal surgery, nerve healing is still going on in my chest made evident by periodic sharp burning pains under the incisions. Strangley, the pains happen most often where nipples used to be. Where lymph nodes were removed under my left arm there is growing stiffness from scar tissue. When I lift my left arm into the air I see and feel a string of muscle that goes from my armpit up to my elbow. It needs to be stretched, but it hurts, so I don't stretch it like I should. My chest still feels really tight which I've noticed causes me to cave in my chest a little so that I don't feel the tightness so much. I've been trying to push my shoulders back to stretch that area.

I am feeling the side effects of Femara which is an aromatase inhibitor. Femara keeps estrogen from being produced by my body. This causes joint pain which I feel in my hips, knees and sternum. At first I thought the joint pain was from working out. But I have been lazy when it comes to exercising and the joint pain is getting more pronounced. I really notice it in the morning.

Chemo and the lack of estrogen has taken its toll on my skin. It has less elastisicity which is most apparent around my eyes. The area above my eyes has sort of a hooded look now and the skin below my eyes has more crinkles.

Four weeks out from chemo, my hair is coming in pretty well on my head. I have a bald spot on the front center crown area because of wearing a tight wig and hats. I have a rather large head so this area has constant pressure and rubbing happening there. I talked with the HR director at Target yesterday about wearing a hat to work rather than my wig. She said no problem. I just need to order a Target bullseye baseball cap. This will make me much more comfortable. I've had enough of wearing a wig.

This concludes my State of the Body Address. Good luck and God bless America.

Heh heh.

The Foreigner

I had an hour to waste this afternoon before picking Tanner up from school so I went downtown and stopped in at Break Espresso to escape the rain storm. Sitting there with my cup of peppermint tea, I couldn't concentrate on the book I was attempting to read. The last time I was in Break Espresso was for a business meeting with a client roughly a year ago.

I studied people as they came to the counter to order their drink. I was trying to imagine what was on their mind at that moment. No doubt some of them were having a happy go-lucky day, just going with the flow. A larger number were likely hoping for a respite from the boredom or stress of a typical work day. I found myself getting jealous and feeling something close to resentment toward the happy smiling people. Thinking that they were lucky to not have a black cloud of uncertainty following them. They have the luxury of feeling carefree. These feelings surprised me. I hadn't felt them before in relation the cancer.

I think I was struck with the feelings today because I haven't ventured out to public places much since I was diagnosed. And, its easier to feel jealous of strangers when I am unaware of the troubles following them.

I felt like a foreigner. This type of establishment used to be my stomping ground. A year ago, I worked and lunched downtown daily. I was preoccupied with work issues the majority of my waking hours.

Quitting my job and dealing with cancer has dramatically changed my thoughts and frame of reference. While I wish to be happy go-lucky again, to be truthful, I hadn't been that way for a long time. Not since my college days. Thats why my feelings of jealousy and resentment today were not legitmate and temporary. Those people I watched today were likely carrying a heavier load than me. I would not choose to go back to the state of consciousness that most people live in. The state of constant preoccupation with things that might happen to them. The thinly concealed unease of not doing enough, not working hard enough to assure success and security. The feelings of guilt for wanting to take some time just for yourself for an uninterrupted thought. To appreciate a simple pleasure, like silence, which is better than anything you can buy at a coffee store. To be calm enough to enjoy your family in the evening, rather than spending that valuable time escaping into the numbness of t.v. only to feel guilt later.

Going through a traumatic event pushed me into this unusual, often blissful state that is foreign to so many.

An Understanding

I fell asleep on the couch friday afternoon. I was troubled before I feel asleep. My mind kept pulling at me to return to an old way of thinking. I had given up this way of thinking when grappling with the cancer diagnosis. Dreaming of the future when time would be plentiful each day to do fulfilling things. A time when stress would be low because I'd finished working and was enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of labor. With this old way of thinking, with a false sense of safety, this restful time was going to come. I just needed to keep working hard and wait.

Lying on the couch, I was sad. I had been dreaming the dream for a few seconds (often I dream of John and I driving somewhere in a convertible with the top down enjoying the sunshine). Then, when I remembered that there is no guarantee that this dream will happen and I stifled the dream.

I forced myself to focus on the moment. Although friday was unseasonably cold, it was blowing and snowing outside, there I was comfortably warm under a blanket on the couch enjoying the silence, with a purring cat next to me.

Dreaming is normal. But we delude ourselves thinking that the future we are dreaming of is guaranteed. We can't keep accidents from happening. We can't stop nature from taking its course with our physical bodies.

I've realized that a false sense of safety gives the conscious mind comfort but on a deeper level we know that we do not have control over keeping bad things from happening. Deep down we know that bad things will happen to all of us. We will all lose people we love. We will all one day get sick and die. Not letting ourselves accept reality makes us more scared than we need to be.

If we can accept that these things will happen to all of us, and openly discuss it, I think we will diminish the power that fear has over us. This has been true for me. By accepting that I do not have control, my fear is diminishing. However I still have fearful moments. And my mind still wants to bathe itself with dreams and a false sense of safety.

When I woke from my nap I felt at peace. I think that each time I force myself to focus on the moment, and feel thankful for all that I have at that moment, I chip away at the fear.

Tough Day

I end the day today feeling inadequate and disapointed in myself. Its because of my performance at work today. I allow myself to become intimidated and when that happens I cannot think clearly and my performance goes down hill. I rush to appear competent and make mistakes. Doing an entry level job. Its so embarrasing. My inclination is to think that I am simply stupid. Its easy to go there. Another incliniation is to blame it on the stress of the last few months or on the effects of chemo. That's also easy.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to try again. I wrote recently that its easier to feel happy these days. What I didn't mention is that the bottom falls out easier these days also. I trust that I will feel better about things tomorrow.

Underneath there's a worry. Today would have been a chemo day had treatments continued. I felt relief this morning knowing I didn't have to go to the clinic for a treatment. I also feel a little bit lost. A little bit scared. Does it mean that any remaining cancer cells have free reign now? Are there some in my body? Are there chemo-resistant cells there. No one can tell me for sure. When you know for sure is that when a mass reaches about 8 million cells it can be seen by imaging or can be felt. With fast growing cancer that may be within the next 2 years, if it happens at all. Am I a glass half empty type of person thinking this way? No, I don't think so. I think all cancer patients worry about recurrence. If I had stayed naive and didn't research enough to know the high rate of recurrence, I might have saved myself some worry.

Aaaaaaahhh I am going to bed. This is not a good train of thought. I will be able to shut it out of my mind and go to sleep. Dear family, please don't worry. I am really doing okay. This is where I can write about my fears and then let them go. Good night all.

Its So Easy To Talk About

I worked today with a relief pharmacist who was filling for one of our pharmacists who is out of town. I used to live across the street from her. When I arrived she took a look at me and said "why do you look so familiar?". I am used to this. People who I have not seen recently do not recognize me with my wig on. After laughing and telling her who I am and how she knows me we set in doing the morning refills.

I was so close to telling her why I was wearing the silly looking wig. I mean, the wig is so obviously not my hair. Then I thought, a cancer diagnosis is not something you drop on someone who you are going to work 4 hours with. I could have told her though. Without the tinyest bit of emotion. Cancer is just what happened to me. My appropriate conversation filter is barely functioning. Things are so comparatively good for me right now that talking about cancer feels like any other sort of news that you relay to bring a former neighbor up to date.

I also find myself talking with my coworkers about things like understanding those who visit our pharmacy who struggle to keep anger in check. People who are in pain, feel powerless or hopeless, sometimes show anger and frustration with very little cause. They are crying out for attention and respect. I understand where they are coming from. I feel like I can see right through their outward emotions. Being the recipent of their anger upsets me deeply, but in a different way than before I got sick. Rather than feeling reciprocal anger I feel sorry for them and that I have failed them.

I've had very little practice telling people about what's happened to me. I'm not sure what the appropriate way to tell people is. I guess I'll figure that out.

Since anxiety and depression lifted after treatment ended, I go for hours at a time without thinking about cancer. It was just a few weeks ago that I was very concerned about letting myself feel hopeful, when bad news could appear again at any time. However hope happened without any effort on my part.

The thing is, for the next several months while I am growing hair, its pretty outwardly obvious that I've been through chemo. If people ask me whats up I will likely be blunt and come out with it.

Back in Time

I came across my baby picture in some old photos. I wanted to see how much resemblence there was between then and now. Glad I grew into my head. There's hope for Tanner now too.

New Growth

Its unmistakeable. New hair is growing. Its about 1/8th inch long. I toasted this new growth with my cat Ringo. He purred. He's good company.

John, Tanner and Quinn are in Florida having a great time at Disney World with his sister Donna and her two sons Felix and Mikesh. In a few days they will join with John's folks John and Shar in Naples. I am so happy that they are there. And I miss them.

John tells me that Tanner is being a gentleman on the trip. That makes me happy. There is nothing more important to me than my boy showing good manners and thankfulness for what he is given. The Brownell family has whole-heartedly accepted Tanner and I into the family. I miss them and wish I were there.








John's mom Shar is a kick in the pants. She shares Tanner's and my interest in gourmet cooking. She is the life and the glue of the family. And she loves to have fun. She throws unbelievable parties at their home in Troy Michigan. Long time friends flock to their parties. Its a testament to John and Shar's loyalty to their friends and family. John's dad is successful, quiet and thoughtful. I hang on each word that he says. My wish is to listen to him for an entire day. It doesn't matter what he talks about. I long to know his story.

John's sister Donna has a wonderful smile and a warmness about her that draws you to her. She is real. I look forward to spending more time with her and her wonderful family.

John's sister Laura takes after her mother. She is sweet, fun and opinionated. And she is smart. She lives her life on her terms and I respect her for that. I can't wait to see her and her family again.

I miss John. The house is quiet. I have been listening to this song called Feelin' Steepled . Its John's most recent creation and not yet finished. I think it may be his best. I hope you enjoy the sneak preview.

Adversity Does A Favor

Its easier to feel happy now than before I found out about the cancer. Coming face to face with despair changed the way I view myself. It gave me self worth.

I wonder, how many people would stop punishing themselves if they were given the chance to endure what they didn't think they could? Would they understand their value to others when the struggle ceases? Could they see the relief in their loved-ones eyes? Would they accept that they don't need to cover up their self-perceived flaws any longer? Would they understand that being themself is truely enough?

I don't wish hardship on anyone. I see others though who are a victim of hatred turned inward. All they know to do is bury their undeserved and unfounded shame by self-medicating. Some people overwork themselves to temporarily drown out the internal negative thoughts. Others hide away so as not to burden anyone. Too often alcohol or drugs are depended on to feel relief. Cancer pushed me down and through the difficult transformation from self-loathing to contentment. I wish that I could help others through.

I'm Going to Retreat

I am so excited. I found a retreat to go to in August in Colorado. Its a 6 day retreat focusing on cancer recovery, meditation, healing visualization practice, yoga sessions, whole-being healthcare and nutrition tips, small group discussions and art therapy.

I have become a firm believer in Yoga. During some of my most anxious days I was able to feel a sense of calmness after a 45 min yoga session. Yoga also gave me a way to exercise even when I was feeling dizzy, weak and lousy. I'm looking forward to the healing visualization also. I had a breakthrough early on after my diagnosis, during a guided visualization session.

Check it out. I am happy that its affordable too.

http://www.shambhalamountain.org/programs/864

Looking Good

My chest xray is clear. The bone scan that I had done was looking for signs of osteoporosis and that came back showing no signs of thinning bones in my spine and hips. So, Laurie won't be seeing a doctor for 2 and a half months. Wow

Hey, anyone want to run a little race with me? I think I have convinced John, my sister-in-law Renell, sister Anne to run. Its the 5 K race for the cure in Helena on May 17th. My dear ex sister-in-law Jody lives in Helena and told me about the race.

Bruce? Hank? Here's a reason to break out the running shoes. You know you want to. Heck, if John can do it......

Leave me a comment if you are interested. We'll carpool over. Perhaps visit the Blackfoot River Brewery for a cold brew and lunch afterwards.