Fortunate

Before cancer I was deluding myself. For 20 years I found self worth in working and earning money. I never considered staying home to raise Tanner because I thought it was a luxury I was not deserving of. I rarely turned down more responsibility at work. Being viewed as competent and pleasing customers gave me brief feelings of worthiness. My assumption was that all of the hard work would pay off some day and then, finally then, I could relax and find peace and happiness. I would come home from work preoccupied, analyzing my failures. I needed a glass or two of wine to stop punishing myself. I was successful in building a career but as I look back now it had its cost. I shunned the people I love. Didn’t return phone calls. Let friendships whither while I self-medicated with wine, reading, tv, and mind-numbing exercise.

I had just quit my two decade career in IT, returning to school to study pharmacy 6 months ago. I couldn’t stifle the guilt of not being an earner. I was obsessed with guilt. But I would have a couple hours each day free of guilt. I would douse the guilt with wine.

Then bam, in the middle of fall semester, the shock of cancer. A funny thing happened when I heard the diagnosis. Something I have not admitted to anyone, including John. Sure, I was horrified and fearful, but I also felt relief. This overwhelming disease had given me the ultimate excuse for being a quitter. The guilt was gone and that felt good, very good.

Fast forward to today, my 3 month cancer anniversary. I don’t want to go back and change anything. I feel a freedom now to live doing the things I feel are important. Taking interest in my son Tanner’s video games. I never had the patience to do that before. When he asks me to come out and build a snow fort, I do it. Happily. I love Listening, really listening to my step son Quinn.

He is 7, at such a wonderful age and full of exciting imaginative stories. He feels things deeply and I love him for that. He cries when he is disappointed, fearful or scared. He leaps for joy in a funny Broadway dancer sort of way. We as adults do not permit ourselves to express these things very often and we suffer for it.


I can watch my husband John be an incredible father to Quinn, and a wonderful light-hearted influence on Tanner. Before John came into my life, I had a fear that Tanner would grow up as a frustrated perfectionist. But in the last 2 years Tanner has become light-hearted, with a great sense of humor and is becoming a confident outgoing young man.


John has brought true, lasting happiness into my life. He is the most honest, giving, humorous, talented, loving man. He writes songs for me. He sings for me. He takes care of me and I've learned how to love being taken care of.

I feel closer now to my parents, sister and brother, and their families. They are my history, the foundation of my life. I look forward to this summer, spending time at the lake, enjoying every minute with them. I feel so blessed to be part of the Brownell family. They have shown me heart-felt support and love. I delight in spending time with them.

I am the fortunate one.