Trying

Lets just say I am trying. Trying meditation. Exercising every day. Trying not to eat anything bad. Trying to eat cancer-fighting foods at every opportunity. Trying to remember day-to-day what those foods are. Trying not to spend money in order to feel short term relief from fear. Trying not to drink. Trying to breathe. Trying to enjoy moments.

I need to make an appointment for my 6 month checkup. Really should do that. But I am too busy being preoccupied with controlling myself that it doesn't get done. It surprises me that they don't give you a sticker, like the oil change places do, to remind you that you need to get your ass back in to be checked for evidence of disease.

I have quite a bit of faith in my ability to make my body inhospitable to the growth of cancer cells. I understand now that we all have the makings of cancer in our body. Its up to our immune system to take down rouge cells before they gain traction. A cancer cell causes our immune system to inflame the area around it and tricks our body into building a special blood supply to feed it. It does not follow the rule of cell aptosis (cell death) that healthy normal cells follow. It multiplies instead and creates a larger and larger cancerous mass that starves healthy cells surrounding it.

I believe that by following a diet consisting of anti-inflamatory foods I am making my body less hospitable to cancer growth. Time will tell if I believe in false promises. The explanation makes sense to me though and I don't feel deprived with the diet. It's laid out in the book Anticancer (and many others).

I'm still scared shitless sometimes though. Thats just the way it is.

Anger & Pain

I'm completely off the anti-depressant that I began taking shortly after I learned I had cancer. I tapered off the drug a few weeks ago while in Fiji. A great place to do it. Since then its been a daily struggle controlling anger that was hidden beneath a Lexapro blanket.

I am just really mad about having to deal with cancer and the body it's left in its wake. There's no getting around it, I really hate cancer these days. Gone, from my current perspective, is the notion that being stricken with cancer is worth it in order to revel in each ordinary day. I'm so angry that it took a crisis to make me value and care for the body that remains.

Upon waking I am not angry. It builds gradually beginning with my first steps out of bed. Each time I am forced to slow down and wait until pain in my ankles, knees and hips subsides I grow more frustrated. I must start slowly. Each time I rise from a chair. Or bend my knees to reach for something below. Or begin a run. Or stretch my legs.

I go to yoga now three times a week at a wonderful studio. One teacher pushes me pretty hard. I haven't told her why I can't straighten my arms when a pose calls for reaching overhead. But she helps me so much by forcing my arms to straighten because that is not something I can do by myself because of scar tissue from the mastectomies. The classes are in the late afternoon or evening and by that time I am usually pretty tense and hypersensitive. There hasn't been a class that I didn't want to quit. Run out. To cry. I get so frustrated with my limitations. And the pain. The class moves on though and distracts me enough to move me through the crazy emotions, ending with several minutes of peaceful meditation.

I am also hypersensitive to noise. Especially in the evening. If the t.v is blaring and someone is trying to speak over the noise my pulse quickens and chest tightens. I put up with it as long as I can and look forward to the peace and quiet of the night.

Last weekend at the Grizzly football game I was at the end of my rope frustration-wise by part way through the 2nd quarter. Luckily my sister was working the entrance at the other side of the stadium so I had a reason to leave the crowd for 20 minutes and enjoy talking with Anne. It is a bit too crowded where we sit. And its difficult at times to concentrate on the game because of constant chatter among the people in front and next to us. I avoided eye contact. Sensory overload and heat from the sun added to the anger and frustration inside of me. I took a long walk outside of the stadium at halftime to relax. Late in the third quarter my mom and I explored the new stadium expansion and cooled down in the shade provided underneath. I was very happy to leave the game early and escape the overwhelming atmosphere.

So that's where I'm at. Looking for healthy ways to express anger that has been pent up for close to a year now. I know that this too will pass.

Anticancer

I'm hell-bent on healthy living. These days, when my mind is not engaged in learning how I can fight off disease, I am scared. When I'm scared I don't take a full breath. In this state it hurts to breathe deeply. So, to fend off recurrence fear death spirals (think fighter pilot spiraling toward earth) I keep my mind busy.

My mind is not easily diverted from fear however. I have started, literally, 10-15 books in the past couple months. Haven't gotten more than a few chapters into any of them. What a waste of money.

That is until a few days ago. I found of book that is quenching my thirst for knowledge. You know when you find a book that connects to the very core of your beliefs? You want everyone to read it. Especially the people you can't live without. Please read this book. Anticancer - A new way of life. If you have cancer, someone you love has cancer, or you are even mildly concerned about you or a loved one getting cancer (that should include all of you) do me a favor and read it.