What I Wouldn't Give

To be told that there is a cure. Like this one. Melanoma is a frightening form of cancer. Especially stage 4. Yet this man, with stage 4 cancer received this revolutionary treatment and appears to be cancer free after 2 years. Reading this article makes me feel like it could really happen for all of us. A treatment that does more than save a life. A treatment that gives another a release from the fear that a recurrence will drastically alter their life again.

Man, my 3 month checkup cannot come soon enough. I am looking now at another condition and what it might mean. The skin on my left hand side, where my breast used to be and that which swelled after surgery because of a seroma, is puckered and wrinkled and has a scaly appearance. I've always assumed that the scaliness would go away, but it hasn't. The skin is totally numb. All nerves there are dead. Well my internet wandering eyes find that skin that is puckered and scaly is a sign of advanced breast cancer. Crap. Reading that makes me nervous as hell. But, realistically its just my skin doing the best it can after surgery.

I really just need to see the doctor.

Would You Care To Share?

How has my, or another loved one's diagnosis or personal tragedy affected the way you live your life afterward?

If you don't feel comfortable posting publicly and would like to help me learn about how people react and change from another's life altering event, feel free to email me at lpacemissoula@hotmail.com.

Thank you in advance for sharing.

Subconscious Manipulation Part Deux

I made an appointment with my oncologist today for my 3 month post chemo checkup. It's set for a couple of weeks from now, July 9th, the day before I head to Michigan to visit John's parents, grandma and his sibling's families. I am so excited to go. The last time I saw any of them was a few days before my mastectomy/oophorectomy surgery last November. We'll have so much fun catching up. There will be lots of hugs, smiles, storys and some really good food and wine to share. Brownell family here we come!

I had a dream last night that is indicative of my current state of insanity. John woke me up in the middle of the night because I was shaking and moaning and was covered with goosebumps. I remember him waking me and I was able to tell him what I was dreaming about.

I was at a school with my sister Anne to learn how to be wizards. Wizards, that when fully educated and experienced, can cure cancer. The school looked in my dream like Hogwarts, Harry Potter's boarding school of wizardry. We had made it through the first year of challenging courses. We had left our families in order to attend. When John woke me up, Anne and I were flying through the air, laughing an evil laugh, chasing a poor human who was running from us on the ground. At the same time we were being chased by flying demons/ghosts. It was terrifying. Aaaaaack! It makes my chest tighten up thinking about it.

I have a fear that a pain in my left ribcage might be a cancer metastisis. I have felt it for the last 4-5 days when my bra presses against it. Or especially when I lay on that side.

Now, the chance of it being cancer are probably miniscule. The thing that is driving this fear is that the sore spot is located behind where my tumor was. I now understand why people worry incessantly about aches and pains that you would not give a second thought. Aches and pains that turn out to be nothing to worry about. Its commonly told to cancer patients to wait 2 weeks before reporting a worrysome symptom to your oncologist. It will probably go away before then.

My rib will stop hurting any day now too.

Be A Good Girl And Eat Your Mushrooms

This is very cool. White stuffing mushrooms inhibit aromatase, which is an enzyme that the body needs to produce estrogen. Researchers used laboratory and mouse studies to confirm that the anti-aromatase compounds stopped the growth of breast cancer cells. They found that mice that were fed mushroom extract had a 58 percent reduction in breast tumor growth. Read the complete article here.

This anti-cancer effect is also being studied with respect to prostate cancer.

Fun Weekend At The Lake

Had a magical weekend at the lake. Fun, easy days enjoying my family. Watching my son and nephews head straight to the dock and jump on the jet skiis for their first rides of the year. Permagrins on their faces out on the water. Lots of laughter and screams from the shock of cold water and terrifying tube rides. Pristine green foliage. The smell of pine trees. Happy faces all around. It was a beautiful sunny 85 degrees. The lake was like glass on Saturday.

Appreciating my dad. He works so hard to make the lake place heaven on earth for his family. He worked 90% of the time that he was there this weekend and that is only a fraction of the time and expense that he has so generously given this spring. Appreciating my mom and sister. We had so much fun painting and redecorating our beloved cabin.

I would post pictures but I forgot my camera in Kalispell. Will be sure to share some as soon as I can.

I am so happy and grateful for what I have.



John on the dock a couple of years ago.










Me pulling a skier a couple summers ago. Yes, I should be looking where I am going.

So Here's What I'm Thinking

I'd like to write a small book. A guide for people newly diagnosed.
Not from a medical perspective, there's plenty of those. My book will describe the emotional side of cancer. It will serve as a guide through the process of losing your sense of self. Of rebuilding.

That's what happens when you get diagnosed.

You go through profound changes in a very short amount of time.

You lose your looks. You do what you can to not draw attention to your self when you grow pale, thin, hairless and weak.

You lose your safe foundation that has been meticulously constructed. First built from your parents beliefs that are ingrained in the very fiber of your being. Then through the lessons, big and small, learned through your school and adult years. Drastically, that safe foundation is ripped out from under you and you grapple with fear issues and frightening surgery and medical treatments.

You lose the ability to function at a high level. Its embarrassing.

All of these things can lead to isolation.

Its my hope that I can explain, from the perspective of someone who's been through the ringer, how important it is to feel the grief. Collapse and surrender to the fear. Cry like you've never cried before. Acknowledge your mortality. Thrive from the lessons that physical suffering brings. Experience the overwhelming warmth that loved ones provide. Dive in deep when shared fear and realization that life is short gives you the chance to deepen relationships. And then smile, when you wake up and realize that you have several days ahead free of nausea and feeling poisoned.

Some days are a struggle. Other days are precious and you feel a level of contentment many others are unaware of.

The old Laurie would have never attempted writing a book. The cool thing about getting cancer is that its given me a what the hell attitude. What the hell.

My Body Without Estrogen

There is a downside to taking a prescription drug that keeps your body from creating estrogen. Since the cancer cells from my biopsies were tested and found to feed off estrogen, taking Femara is a no-brainer.

I've been on Femara for 8 weeks now and the side-effect of stiff and painful joints is spreading. Just this week my shoulders and elbows started aching when I sleep. I don't feel achy in those particular places during the day. My hips and ankles bother me the most during the day. Pain and stiffness in my hips, knees and ankles is most pronounced when getting out of bed.

Another interesting side effect is muscle soreness after exertion. I'm not talking about normal soreness I grew accustomed to during my 20+ years of running. Now, when I up my mileage a reasonable amount I am sore for 4 or 5 days. Prior to Femara, soreness only lasted the typical 48 hours. Scientific studies have found that estrogen plays a part in healing strained muscles.

I don't like to think about what shape my joints will be in after being on Femara for 5 years.

Breast Cancer Survivor

I don't care for being referred to as a breast cancer survivor. My image of a survivor is someone who has won a battle. Someone who can celebrate their victory and put the ordeal behind them. For me, survivor doesn't define what being stricken with breast cancer is about. To me, more appropriate labels include unlucky, casualty, prey, underdog.

When I traveled to Helena for the Komen Race For the Cure last month I was surprised how strongly I was repelled by the label of survivor being thrust upon me. I didn't want to put on the pink survivor t-shirt. I didn't want to be part of that group. I was not proud to be part of the group. I was there to run a race. I was there to run with my son, nephew and sister and enjoy being active and strong after a depressing winter of chemo treatment. I was there to visit Jody, my dear sister-in-law from my previous marriage, who has supported me with such unselfishness and kindness.

When it was time to join the other survivors on the Capitol steps I reluctantly put on my pink t-shirt and walked up with the 1 year survivors. The other groups of cancer survivors were called up according to the length of time since their diagnosis. Then it was announced that the song "We Are Family" would be played so that we could clap and sing along. After the song started I looked around at the singing and celebrating women surrounding me and I felt irritated and indignant. What were we celebrating? Being afflicted with cancer? I can't celebrate, in any way, having a harrowing, hideous and vicious disease.

We can't fight to survive cancer. Either treatment works or it doesn't. We are either lucky or we're not. Its quite simple, we take the treatment and we endure. We try to stay positive. Not because we really believe that a good attitude increases our chances of surviving, but because its easier to cope that way. And, the really great thing is that we don't know which direction we are headed.

Survivor my ass, its not that glamorous.

Featured Blogger

I was contacted by the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere.com, where they are building a network of health bloggers. They are going to put my blog stuff within a not yet live Breast Cancer community area of the site, and also within a magazine-like Wellsphere360 section. If I contribute often enough they'll feature me on the home page. I'll give you a link once my stuff is published there.