The Foreigner

I had an hour to waste this afternoon before picking Tanner up from school so I went downtown and stopped in at Break Espresso to escape the rain storm. Sitting there with my cup of peppermint tea, I couldn't concentrate on the book I was attempting to read. The last time I was in Break Espresso was for a business meeting with a client roughly a year ago.

I studied people as they came to the counter to order their drink. I was trying to imagine what was on their mind at that moment. No doubt some of them were having a happy go-lucky day, just going with the flow. A larger number were likely hoping for a respite from the boredom or stress of a typical work day. I found myself getting jealous and feeling something close to resentment toward the happy smiling people. Thinking that they were lucky to not have a black cloud of uncertainty following them. They have the luxury of feeling carefree. These feelings surprised me. I hadn't felt them before in relation the cancer.

I think I was struck with the feelings today because I haven't ventured out to public places much since I was diagnosed. And, its easier to feel jealous of strangers when I am unaware of the troubles following them.

I felt like a foreigner. This type of establishment used to be my stomping ground. A year ago, I worked and lunched downtown daily. I was preoccupied with work issues the majority of my waking hours.

Quitting my job and dealing with cancer has dramatically changed my thoughts and frame of reference. While I wish to be happy go-lucky again, to be truthful, I hadn't been that way for a long time. Not since my college days. Thats why my feelings of jealousy and resentment today were not legitmate and temporary. Those people I watched today were likely carrying a heavier load than me. I would not choose to go back to the state of consciousness that most people live in. The state of constant preoccupation with things that might happen to them. The thinly concealed unease of not doing enough, not working hard enough to assure success and security. The feelings of guilt for wanting to take some time just for yourself for an uninterrupted thought. To appreciate a simple pleasure, like silence, which is better than anything you can buy at a coffee store. To be calm enough to enjoy your family in the evening, rather than spending that valuable time escaping into the numbness of t.v. only to feel guilt later.

Going through a traumatic event pushed me into this unusual, often blissful state that is foreign to so many.

An Understanding

I fell asleep on the couch friday afternoon. I was troubled before I feel asleep. My mind kept pulling at me to return to an old way of thinking. I had given up this way of thinking when grappling with the cancer diagnosis. Dreaming of the future when time would be plentiful each day to do fulfilling things. A time when stress would be low because I'd finished working and was enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of labor. With this old way of thinking, with a false sense of safety, this restful time was going to come. I just needed to keep working hard and wait.

Lying on the couch, I was sad. I had been dreaming the dream for a few seconds (often I dream of John and I driving somewhere in a convertible with the top down enjoying the sunshine). Then, when I remembered that there is no guarantee that this dream will happen and I stifled the dream.

I forced myself to focus on the moment. Although friday was unseasonably cold, it was blowing and snowing outside, there I was comfortably warm under a blanket on the couch enjoying the silence, with a purring cat next to me.

Dreaming is normal. But we delude ourselves thinking that the future we are dreaming of is guaranteed. We can't keep accidents from happening. We can't stop nature from taking its course with our physical bodies.

I've realized that a false sense of safety gives the conscious mind comfort but on a deeper level we know that we do not have control over keeping bad things from happening. Deep down we know that bad things will happen to all of us. We will all lose people we love. We will all one day get sick and die. Not letting ourselves accept reality makes us more scared than we need to be.

If we can accept that these things will happen to all of us, and openly discuss it, I think we will diminish the power that fear has over us. This has been true for me. By accepting that I do not have control, my fear is diminishing. However I still have fearful moments. And my mind still wants to bathe itself with dreams and a false sense of safety.

When I woke from my nap I felt at peace. I think that each time I force myself to focus on the moment, and feel thankful for all that I have at that moment, I chip away at the fear.

Tough Day

I end the day today feeling inadequate and disapointed in myself. Its because of my performance at work today. I allow myself to become intimidated and when that happens I cannot think clearly and my performance goes down hill. I rush to appear competent and make mistakes. Doing an entry level job. Its so embarrasing. My inclination is to think that I am simply stupid. Its easy to go there. Another incliniation is to blame it on the stress of the last few months or on the effects of chemo. That's also easy.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to try again. I wrote recently that its easier to feel happy these days. What I didn't mention is that the bottom falls out easier these days also. I trust that I will feel better about things tomorrow.

Underneath there's a worry. Today would have been a chemo day had treatments continued. I felt relief this morning knowing I didn't have to go to the clinic for a treatment. I also feel a little bit lost. A little bit scared. Does it mean that any remaining cancer cells have free reign now? Are there some in my body? Are there chemo-resistant cells there. No one can tell me for sure. When you know for sure is that when a mass reaches about 8 million cells it can be seen by imaging or can be felt. With fast growing cancer that may be within the next 2 years, if it happens at all. Am I a glass half empty type of person thinking this way? No, I don't think so. I think all cancer patients worry about recurrence. If I had stayed naive and didn't research enough to know the high rate of recurrence, I might have saved myself some worry.

Aaaaaaahhh I am going to bed. This is not a good train of thought. I will be able to shut it out of my mind and go to sleep. Dear family, please don't worry. I am really doing okay. This is where I can write about my fears and then let them go. Good night all.

Its So Easy To Talk About

I worked today with a relief pharmacist who was filling for one of our pharmacists who is out of town. I used to live across the street from her. When I arrived she took a look at me and said "why do you look so familiar?". I am used to this. People who I have not seen recently do not recognize me with my wig on. After laughing and telling her who I am and how she knows me we set in doing the morning refills.

I was so close to telling her why I was wearing the silly looking wig. I mean, the wig is so obviously not my hair. Then I thought, a cancer diagnosis is not something you drop on someone who you are going to work 4 hours with. I could have told her though. Without the tinyest bit of emotion. Cancer is just what happened to me. My appropriate conversation filter is barely functioning. Things are so comparatively good for me right now that talking about cancer feels like any other sort of news that you relay to bring a former neighbor up to date.

I also find myself talking with my coworkers about things like understanding those who visit our pharmacy who struggle to keep anger in check. People who are in pain, feel powerless or hopeless, sometimes show anger and frustration with very little cause. They are crying out for attention and respect. I understand where they are coming from. I feel like I can see right through their outward emotions. Being the recipent of their anger upsets me deeply, but in a different way than before I got sick. Rather than feeling reciprocal anger I feel sorry for them and that I have failed them.

I've had very little practice telling people about what's happened to me. I'm not sure what the appropriate way to tell people is. I guess I'll figure that out.

Since anxiety and depression lifted after treatment ended, I go for hours at a time without thinking about cancer. It was just a few weeks ago that I was very concerned about letting myself feel hopeful, when bad news could appear again at any time. However hope happened without any effort on my part.

The thing is, for the next several months while I am growing hair, its pretty outwardly obvious that I've been through chemo. If people ask me whats up I will likely be blunt and come out with it.

Back in Time

I came across my baby picture in some old photos. I wanted to see how much resemblence there was between then and now. Glad I grew into my head. There's hope for Tanner now too.

New Growth

Its unmistakeable. New hair is growing. Its about 1/8th inch long. I toasted this new growth with my cat Ringo. He purred. He's good company.

John, Tanner and Quinn are in Florida having a great time at Disney World with his sister Donna and her two sons Felix and Mikesh. In a few days they will join with John's folks John and Shar in Naples. I am so happy that they are there. And I miss them.

John tells me that Tanner is being a gentleman on the trip. That makes me happy. There is nothing more important to me than my boy showing good manners and thankfulness for what he is given. The Brownell family has whole-heartedly accepted Tanner and I into the family. I miss them and wish I were there.








John's mom Shar is a kick in the pants. She shares Tanner's and my interest in gourmet cooking. She is the life and the glue of the family. And she loves to have fun. She throws unbelievable parties at their home in Troy Michigan. Long time friends flock to their parties. Its a testament to John and Shar's loyalty to their friends and family. John's dad is successful, quiet and thoughtful. I hang on each word that he says. My wish is to listen to him for an entire day. It doesn't matter what he talks about. I long to know his story.

John's sister Donna has a wonderful smile and a warmness about her that draws you to her. She is real. I look forward to spending more time with her and her wonderful family.

John's sister Laura takes after her mother. She is sweet, fun and opinionated. And she is smart. She lives her life on her terms and I respect her for that. I can't wait to see her and her family again.

I miss John. The house is quiet. I have been listening to this song called Feelin' Steepled . Its John's most recent creation and not yet finished. I think it may be his best. I hope you enjoy the sneak preview.

Adversity Does A Favor

Its easier to feel happy now than before I found out about the cancer. Coming face to face with despair changed the way I view myself. It gave me self worth.

I wonder, how many people would stop punishing themselves if they were given the chance to endure what they didn't think they could? Would they understand their value to others when the struggle ceases? Could they see the relief in their loved-ones eyes? Would they accept that they don't need to cover up their self-perceived flaws any longer? Would they understand that being themself is truely enough?

I don't wish hardship on anyone. I see others though who are a victim of hatred turned inward. All they know to do is bury their undeserved and unfounded shame by self-medicating. Some people overwork themselves to temporarily drown out the internal negative thoughts. Others hide away so as not to burden anyone. Too often alcohol or drugs are depended on to feel relief. Cancer pushed me down and through the difficult transformation from self-loathing to contentment. I wish that I could help others through.

I'm Going to Retreat

I am so excited. I found a retreat to go to in August in Colorado. Its a 6 day retreat focusing on cancer recovery, meditation, healing visualization practice, yoga sessions, whole-being healthcare and nutrition tips, small group discussions and art therapy.

I have become a firm believer in Yoga. During some of my most anxious days I was able to feel a sense of calmness after a 45 min yoga session. Yoga also gave me a way to exercise even when I was feeling dizzy, weak and lousy. I'm looking forward to the healing visualization also. I had a breakthrough early on after my diagnosis, during a guided visualization session.

Check it out. I am happy that its affordable too.

http://www.shambhalamountain.org/programs/864

Looking Good

My chest xray is clear. The bone scan that I had done was looking for signs of osteoporosis and that came back showing no signs of thinning bones in my spine and hips. So, Laurie won't be seeing a doctor for 2 and a half months. Wow

Hey, anyone want to run a little race with me? I think I have convinced John, my sister-in-law Renell, sister Anne to run. Its the 5 K race for the cure in Helena on May 17th. My dear ex sister-in-law Jody lives in Helena and told me about the race.

Bruce? Hank? Here's a reason to break out the running shoes. You know you want to. Heck, if John can do it......

Leave me a comment if you are interested. We'll carpool over. Perhaps visit the Blackfoot River Brewery for a cold brew and lunch afterwards.

Incredible Lyricists

I live with song writers. My 7 year old step-son Quinn has an imagination that allows him to visualize and visit other worlds. In this song he describes The River Of Time where if you jump in you can swim around and explore the whole place, but in the real world only your skull remains. John created a video for the song. Keep in mind that a 7 year wrote the lyrics and rapped the song. You'll be amazed.

http://blog.unpopularguy.com/2008/04/quinn-everett-river-of-time.aspx

Overcoming Depression

I am just realizing now how depressed I was. I'm not referring to moods and reactions that would be expected of a cancer patient. Those, when they occured, were easy for me to link to my cancer diagnosis.

What I didn't realize was happening was I became unable to overcome increasing malaise during the last two months.

The progression of the decline of strength (both physical and mental) that occurs when you undergo 6 treatments of high-dose chemotherapy becomes grueling somewhere around the 3rd treatment. One oncologist told us in an initital meeting that chemotherapy nausea is comparable to pregnancy morning sickness. Everything else that occurs is not comparable.

My inability to view chemo as anything other than poison put me at a disadvantage. The nose bleeds and bloody bowel movements after the last two treatments were evidence that my poor body was no longer able to cope with the poison. It depressed me to see the condition of my body decline.

With the end of the poisoning I was able to return to doing good things for my body. Eat nutritious food. Rest, and wait for recovery. The depression lifted. Its a new world for me now.

Impossible Girl

A new song. Written, sung, played and recorded by John. He continually amazes me. Check it out.

Hope Happens

I assumed I'd need to suppress my fears and put forth effort to feel hopeful about the future. I was mistaken.

Hope quietly snuck in.

A smile is effortless today. My self-protective suppression of hope, which was essential during treatment, when I couldn't see beyond a few days, feels unnecessary today.

I am calm. And thankful. That is enough.

Life Simplified

Woke today to no nausea. Its all done. Not very fatigued either. I'm putting this last treatment in the book and shutting it.

Dropped by the hospital after work for a bone scan and chest xray today. My ever-diligent oncologist is keeping a good eye on me. I think I'm supposed to start Femara now. Gotta call and check on that minor detail. My cancer is estrogen driven and Femara will reduce my already very low estrogen level even further. Women's body fat produces estrogen and Femara should put the keibash on that.

So, as long as the scan and xray are clear I do not have any doctor appointments for 3 months! Sounds great to me.

Best Party Ever

Thursday after chemo some friends came over and Wii had a great time. I'll introduce each of them in their finest moment....

ex-coworker Hank the baby-slayer



ex-coworker Kevin and wife Karla winners of the most well behaved award A little disapointed in you two. However you will be the first invited back.












ex-coworker Bruce Rock Band vocals award - best effort



friend Toni Rock Band guitar award - least improved




husband John Wii tennis award - most threatening player




friend Andi Wii tennis award - least threatening player



friend Ian Rock Band guitar award - most creative

representing the Bender family ZALE! Wii maestro



me party participant award - most stoned



Heh Heh. Thanks for coming out and celebrating with us!

Completion

Surrounded by the devotion and support of my family I finished chemo. I was never alone and that made all the difference. Thank you, John, for loving me through this with steadfast compassion. I know that you would have endured it for me if you could. Thank you for listening, giving encouragement and holding me up. Dad, thank you for your loving support. Obligations in Kalispell made it difficult for you to make the repeat trips to Missoula and yet you did anyway. You've helped in so many ways, but what impacted me the most was knowing that I am fortunate enough to have a father whose hug makes me feel safe and who would do anything to protect me. Mom, you gave of yourself so often with a smile. Having you with us helped make treatment days like a nice get-together. Staying for a few days afterwards and taking over the cooking, shopping and cleaning allowed me relax and recover in peace. Anne, you've been there for me whenever I've needed a talk, walk or pity party. You and Chuck reassured me many times that I could relax about how I look, and I truely believed you! Thanks for listening to me and holding my hand during needle sticks. I wish I were as brave as you but I don't think I'll ever quite get there. Mark and Renell, the weekly cards and phone calls with prayers and words of encouragment meant so much to me. Having you there for my second-to-last chemo was a treat. I was thrilled to show off my brother to my friends at the clinic.

To my far-flung family and friends all around the world, thank you for your gifts and cards that arrived to make me smile and warm my heart.

Treasure

Take a listen to one of my Christmas presents from John. I mentioned being overcome with emotion when John played it on Christmas Eve in a previous post.
It's a sunny tear jerker. Not many singer/song writers can pull that off but my sweet, insanely talented husband can. He sings and plays all instrumental parts.



And in the middle of the darkest days
When the light in your eyes starts to fade
and "hope" is just a word people say
When you feel like you have gone astray
I hope that I can take it all away
And do for you what you have done for me

A Celebration Is In Order

Thursday is my last chemo. Can you believe it? I sure can't. I really can't. I need to be convinced of the fact.

Thursday after chemo some friends and family are coming over to celebrate, which should help cement the idea in my head. If asked to pinch me just do it, and pinch me hard!

I am literally quivering right night with excitement and nerves. I'm having a glass of red wine to settle down a bit. I was nervous all day today at work too. Took a run with my sis after work which helped some, but the nervousness has returned. I usually don't free-form blog posts like this but my mind is scattered and bouncing all over the place so I'm just going for it.

Its been a traumatic 5 months. To say the least. Maybe the culmination on thursday is just too much for me to process right now. I might embarrass myself on thursday with emotions that I've not allowed myself to feel. I'm frightened. I'm scared to hear if my cancer markers have continued to rise. I'm scared to have the bone scan and CT scan. I'm scared to hear that everything is fine and that I am on my own to do self exams of my chest and lymph nodes for however long until my next checkup. AAAACCCK! I think I need a shrink!

I need something to focus on and look forward to. When I think about a place to shed my protective cancer shell I think of snorkeling in Tulum Mexico. I want to go there and cry and scream and laugh out loud until people think I am crazy. I want to scream on the beach and let some anger out. I am angry that this has happened. I am angry that I've put John, Tanner and the rest of my family through this. I am angry that it might not end here and I might hurt my family more. I might not be done with this and nothing will ever be the same.

Welcome to Target Pharmacy How Can I Help You?

I look forward to going to work. Here are a couple of my coworkers. They are really kind, fun and smart as hell. You should bring your prescriptions to us! The pharmacy is brand new. Its very roomy, bright and efficient.
I love having strict rules to follow. If you do your job right, everyone ends up happy. The toughest part of my old job, managing software projects, was the difficulty in pleasing the customer while at the same time keeping the project on time and on budget. This is not possible the majority of the time with software projects. Software project management ends up being primarily conflict management.

Shift to later in the evening last night. Tanner made us a sensational dinner of lasagne and garlic toast. Pretty mundane stuff to post about. Aren't I fortunate? Mundane is underrated. Hope your day is mundane too.