I'll Believe Anything

Last week was one of those weeks that cancer people have. Where the mind keeps nudging you to pay attention to the fear that stalks you. Maybe if you stop and focus, and just think intelligently about it you'll find the solution. You'll find some sort of proof that convinces you that you don't need to keep your thoughts in the present. Regain the courage to dream beyond 5 years. But no matter how many times you replay conversations with the oncologist in your head, or review statistics, the problem cannot be solved. Rightly, no credible doctor or researcher will give you a guarantee of a future without the return of cancer.

After several days I was just plain tired of being fearful. Being around others was difficult. I preferred to be in a dark quiet place because I didn't have much tolerance for noise. Searching online for new articles about developments in cancer research was comforting because it kept my mind occupied. When I failed to find the nebulous information I was seeking I started reading other cancer people's blogs. I came across Bert Scholl's blog and read it with interest. This reading introduced me to the Gerson Therapy. A natural, diet-based cancer therapy. Bert's blog intrigued me enough to look further into the therapy. Watching the 11 part video series on YouTube took me the good part of a Sunday. I was enthralled. The stories told started to give me hope. Hope for a future without worry and sickness. All I had to do was follow this diet/supplement/enema regime. I truely began to believe. With all my heart. I had spring in my step again and I was excited. Secretly I started thinking about a way that I could go to the Gerson clinic in Mexico to begin the therapy as a way to forestall a recurrence of breast cancer.

When John walked into the room while I was watching a Gerson video I felt defensive. I didn't want any one to burst my bubble of hope and optimism. I so badly wanted to stay optimistic about having a future without worry. But, it was at that moment that I realized that I was deluding myself. My dream of a carefree future began to unravel. When John left the room I cried.

I held on to the dream though for a few days. I don't remember exactly when I stopped. I just stopped looking for proof.

I am not ashamed to admit that I was foolish. You can snicker and laugh. It won't hurt my feelings. I won't stop myself from following another foolish dream in the future. It felt that good to be carefree for a while.

Janitors Say The Darndest Things

At Target we have a sweet, but most annoying janitor. Each morning, like clockwork, he comes to the pharmacy to have one of us come and unlock the pharmacy-only restroom so that he can clean it. I understand why, now, that management doesn't just give him a key. We would not feel comfortable using the restroom knowing that he has a key.

The pharmacist always gets very busy when the janitor asks to be let in, so its always me that goes out into the hallway behind the pharmacy to let him in. He's Italian, approximately 25 years old and speaks broken english.

He has a problem with talking too much, interrupting people's work and not getting his work done in a timely manner. You literally HAVE TO walk away while he is still talking to you. If not, you will still be there 20 minutes later looking for a way to politely end a conversation. He says things like "I wear cologne today and shave to make girls say aaaahhhhh he look good today". Also "I have sense of humor, right? You not need to be afraid of me".

A few weeks back I was letting him in the restroom. The door is really heavy so I was holding it open so that he could get his mop bucket rolled in. He turned around and said "High five"! I squeamishly put my hand up, so I didn't rudely leave him hanging, and he grabbed it and pulled me in the bathroom! I must have looked horrified because he let go and started in on another rendition of "I am funny, see? I have sense of humor". I left him in the dust and walked quickly back to the pharmacy.

So, last week I decided I'd had enough of the itchy wig and wore a baseball cap to work instead. When the Italian janitor came to the pharmacy, a new intern, who doesn't know yet how to duck when he comes around volunteered to let him in the bathroom to clean. Later, on my break I passed him in a hallway and acted like I didn't see him. He yelled after me, "Are you lady that works in Pharmacy"? I was caught, and turned halfway around. "Yes", I replied. He was puzzled and said "You not recognize me"? I grunted and tried to keep moving. Then he said "You look very different". "You shave head"? I didn't want prolong the converstation so I said yes. Then he dropped the truth bomb. "You much prettier woman before". "Before you look like woman, now you look like girl, or boy".

Ha ha! He's right, but jeez!

Here's me today, 8 weeks post chemo, with my wig and without it.

Six Months Since

Six months ago today I came home from the hospital after bi-lateral mastectomy and oophorectomy surgeries. A couple weeks later I started chemotherapy. And I was scared to death.

Today things are much different. You have probably noticed I don't write much these days. There's not much to write about other than good things! Funny thing is it doesn't occur to me to sit down at the computer to write about good news. Writing has been what I've done over the past few months when I felt overanxious.

As far as my body is concerned I have only a few complaints. Joint pain, a common Femara side effect, continues. Especially in my hips and knees. The left side of my chest, on the side, under my armpit has pulsing pain every minute or so. Sort of a burning and stinging feeling. Its not strong enough to wake me at night though. My theory is that some nerve healing is going on. I do not feel a lump there so I am not worried about it.

My hair continues to grow. This makes me happy. I would describe it as thickening fuzz now. Not quite as long as a very short crew cut. Have you seen Robin Roberts from Good Morning America recently? She's stopped wearing her wig and I think she looks great. I think that my hair will be about the length her's is now, by early August. I can see myself feeling comfortable wearing my hair that short in public.

I got hit by fatigue yesterday and took a 3 hour nap in the afternoon and then slept soundly all night. For a few days prior I noticed my legs felt increasingly tired, especially after walking up a flight of stairs. Just one week prior I was energetic and able to run 5 miles at a time without fatigue. When I feel this fatigue I also notice a strange feeling when stretching my quadriceps (kneeling down, sitting on my feet and leaning back). Instead of the feeling of stretching I feel fatigue in the muscle. I'd like to know why that is.

Work is going well now. I really look forward to going to work each day. How lucky am I?

Wear Sunscreen

I'm passing on this link to a powerful blog written by a young gal named Sarah. Read it, it will break your heart. But it just may convince you to take better care of yourself. You deserve that.

Sarah's Blog

Detached

My perspective is still skewed. My new normal I guess. Several times a day I find myself holding back from really engaging in life. It all still feels so temporary to me. As if the return to normalcy that I am experiencing now could be pulled out from under me at any moment.

I've let myself imagine, only once or twice since finishing chemo, finding evidence of disease in my body. A small lump in my chest or under my arm or in my neck. The ominous feeling of "knowing" it's bad news feels like heartburn in my chest and fear rises up from my stomach into my throat.

You see, I keep a part of me protected from this dreaded experience by not letting hope seep all the way into my heart. This protected part of me would not be shell-shocked by horrific news, if it were to occur.

To Genava

My friend is going through a very hard time. I want you to know Gen that you are a beautiful, unselfish, loyal person. I hope you realize how much you mean to me and all of the other countless people who are blessed have you in their lives. I believe that you will come out of the death you are dealing with now, stronger. Don't hesitate to call for help when you have doubt.

Love ya Gen

Do You Realize?

This song was written by the Flaming Lips for a friend who was dying of cancer. I think it applies to any sort of loss. The lyrics remind us that life is short and its hard to make the good times last. Its most important to let people you love know that they bring joy and meaning to your life. The sun doesn't really go down, its just an illusion we believe for now. Things will get better.

Counting Hairs

I've counted em. Only 3 left on the right and 5 left on the left. My eyelashes that is. WTF? This happens now? Six weeks AFTER finishing chemo? I remarked to John tonight that I look more like a chemo patient now than I did during treatment. He responded saying he didn't think so. I have color in my face now. I've also gained 4 pounds which fills out my face. I feel much better now too.

I am so much less self-conscious now of my hairless state so its a blessing that this didn't happen earlier.

I forget that I still look alot different than other people. I was in McDonalds last week having breakfast by myself. I was wearing a beanie hat, eating and reading a book called Pretty Is What Changes. Its such a good book (thank you Shar!). Halfway through my breakfast a young gal who was washing tables came up to me, said hello and asked me what I was reading. I told her the title and that it was a book about breast cancer. She responded asking "Is that what you have?". It was so sweet, the way she asked. I was taken aback by how empathetic and sincere she was. I told her yes, that I had breast cancer. She stopped her work and looked me right in the eye and said, I hope things turn out okay for you and you get well again. It felt so good to hear those kind caring words from a stranger.

I'm Ordering This T-Shirt

My Crutch

Its time I come clean. Not only have I had unwavering support from family and friends through my cancer ordeal but I have also kept a fragile emotional state in check by taking antidepressants.

I started taking them several weeks after diagnosis. I take Lexapro in the morning and Trazodone just before bed. These wonderful medications have given me a fresh new perspective each day and the ability to sleep soundly every night. I think that without Lexapro I would have fallen prey to deep depression. I needed something to help with paralyzing fear and a steady decline in my ability to cope. I did not get much sleep during the nights before starting Trazodone. Thats when my terror-filled thoughts were at their most extreme.

I think I'm ready to taper off using the medications and learn to deal with fear on my own. I'm halfing my Lexapro dose as a start. I suspect you'll be reading more posts about fear and uncertainty as I begin dealing with life without crutches.

Red Wine & Breast Cancer Recurrence

While perusing the breastcancer.org website today I found some good news. Its good news for me because I like to drink a glass or two of red wine before dinner. All I have ever hear prior to today was that red wine causes up to a 20% increase in the risk for cancer. So I have felt guilty for every glass I've raised since being diagnosed.

An interview on breastcancer.org answers questions on the subject of red wine consumption and breast cancer. There have been no studies show an increased risk of breast cancer recurrence for moderate red wine drinkers. Also on the good news front, there is scientific evidence that a phytochemical in grape skins (which is contained in red wine) inhibits aromatase, which lowers a woman's estrogen level. This is good news for estrogen-driven cancer like mine. In fact, I take a drug called Femara, to the tune of $350 dollars per month, that inhibits aromatase on a much stronger level.

Cheers! Drinking a little red wine actually starves estrogen lovin' cancer cells.

Laurie

Intriguing Article On Fasting and Chemotherapy

I really wish I had seen this article before I started chemo. I would have tried fasting prior to chemo treatments.

Excerpt from the article

Starving mice for a few days before chemotherapy treatments protected their healthy cells from damaging side effects, offering a possible way to shield cancer patients from the debilitating hair loss, nausea and anemia that now plagues the treatments, researchers reported Tuesday.

The study, published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, could also allow the use of more potent chemotherapy doses without endangering patients.


Read the entire article here
http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-starve5apr05,0,6821595.story

State Of The Body Address

Taking stock of my body this morning I must say things are looking up. My energy level, while still affected by overdoing it some days, is gradually stepping up. My nose has stopped its bleeding completely. Five months after bi-lateral mastectomy/lymph node removal surgery, nerve healing is still going on in my chest made evident by periodic sharp burning pains under the incisions. Strangley, the pains happen most often where nipples used to be. Where lymph nodes were removed under my left arm there is growing stiffness from scar tissue. When I lift my left arm into the air I see and feel a string of muscle that goes from my armpit up to my elbow. It needs to be stretched, but it hurts, so I don't stretch it like I should. My chest still feels really tight which I've noticed causes me to cave in my chest a little so that I don't feel the tightness so much. I've been trying to push my shoulders back to stretch that area.

I am feeling the side effects of Femara which is an aromatase inhibitor. Femara keeps estrogen from being produced by my body. This causes joint pain which I feel in my hips, knees and sternum. At first I thought the joint pain was from working out. But I have been lazy when it comes to exercising and the joint pain is getting more pronounced. I really notice it in the morning.

Chemo and the lack of estrogen has taken its toll on my skin. It has less elastisicity which is most apparent around my eyes. The area above my eyes has sort of a hooded look now and the skin below my eyes has more crinkles.

Four weeks out from chemo, my hair is coming in pretty well on my head. I have a bald spot on the front center crown area because of wearing a tight wig and hats. I have a rather large head so this area has constant pressure and rubbing happening there. I talked with the HR director at Target yesterday about wearing a hat to work rather than my wig. She said no problem. I just need to order a Target bullseye baseball cap. This will make me much more comfortable. I've had enough of wearing a wig.

This concludes my State of the Body Address. Good luck and God bless America.

Heh heh.