Thursday is my last chemo. Can you believe it? I sure can't. I really can't. I need to be convinced of the fact.
Thursday after chemo some friends and family are coming over to celebrate, which should help cement the idea in my head. If asked to pinch me just do it, and pinch me hard!
I am literally quivering right night with excitement and nerves. I'm having a glass of red wine to settle down a bit. I was nervous all day today at work too. Took a run with my sis after work which helped some, but the nervousness has returned. I usually don't free-form blog posts like this but my mind is scattered and bouncing all over the place so I'm just going for it.
Its been a traumatic 5 months. To say the least. Maybe the culmination on thursday is just too much for me to process right now. I might embarrass myself on thursday with emotions that I've not allowed myself to feel. I'm frightened. I'm scared to hear if my cancer markers have continued to rise. I'm scared to have the bone scan and CT scan. I'm scared to hear that everything is fine and that I am on my own to do self exams of my chest and lymph nodes for however long until my next checkup. AAAACCCK! I think I need a shrink!
I need something to focus on and look forward to. When I think about a place to shed my protective cancer shell I think of snorkeling in Tulum Mexico. I want to go there and cry and scream and laugh out loud until people think I am crazy. I want to scream on the beach and let some anger out. I am angry that this has happened. I am angry that I've put John, Tanner and the rest of my family through this. I am angry that it might not end here and I might hurt my family more. I might not be done with this and nothing will ever be the same.
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6 comments:
Hi, Laurie
I wish you PEACE as you continue on this terrible journey. Congratulations on finishing the chemo. I'll be celebrating with you in spirit on Thursday. I'm so proud of you!
I wanted to share something that I've found helpful when I've experienced mind-numbing fear. I've spent some time with it - thought about it, felt it, maybe even talked with someone about it...for a reasonable amount of time.
Then I've said, sometimes out loud, "STOP I refuse to waste any more time with you (fear)!"
I've then turned toward the 'sun' - the positive, the fun, the interactions with family & friends, etc. Because my mind can only consciously do one thing at a time, I cast the shadows (fears) behind me.
It's taken some practice, but I've found it to be a good tool to 'do' life.
Love you!
It's time to party like a rock star! I think Mexico sounds like a awesome idea! Until then, go out behind your house and scream at the top of your lungs... daily! Hell, the neighbors already question you guys, might as well add something spicy to their stories! Diane is right... keep kickin' those thoughts out of your head, ONLY POSITIVE thoughts now... you've had enough of the other. You can do this, you can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!
Wish I could be there with you tomorrow to celebrate. I will see you later Friday afternoon when you are feeling crappy and tired. I hope to leave Kalispell by noon if the store is not too busy. Maybe we can celebrate some on Saturday if you are feeling better! Give those left over cancer cells a good beating. We are all in this together, you know!! Love, your Dad.
We wish we could be there to celebrate with you on Thursday. We'll be raising a glass of champagne in your honor. We love you guys and can't wait to hang out with Tanner in Florida...
XOXO from NM
PINCH
Great news, Laurie!
Love and best wishes from the Warners
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