I am just realizing now how depressed I was. I'm not referring to moods and reactions that would be expected of a cancer patient. Those, when they occured, were easy for me to link to my cancer diagnosis.
What I didn't realize was happening was I became unable to overcome increasing malaise during the last two months.
The progression of the decline of strength (both physical and mental) that occurs when you undergo 6 treatments of high-dose chemotherapy becomes grueling somewhere around the 3rd treatment. One oncologist told us in an initital meeting that chemotherapy nausea is comparable to pregnancy morning sickness. Everything else that occurs is not comparable.
My inability to view chemo as anything other than poison put me at a disadvantage. The nose bleeds and bloody bowel movements after the last two treatments were evidence that my poor body was no longer able to cope with the poison. It depressed me to see the condition of my body decline.
With the end of the poisoning I was able to return to doing good things for my body. Eat nutritious food. Rest, and wait for recovery. The depression lifted. Its a new world for me now.
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I'm so sorry that you had to suffer. I have just had surgery and am perhaps going to take Tamoxefin and certainly will have radiation. Chemotherapy is also being iscussed. I am terrified and depressed - I have no know emoitions or word to describe how scared I am of everything.
I hope you are ok and thank you for having such a thoughtful site.
Caroline
Caroline,
Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry that you are suffering from this terrible disease. It is so frightening, especially right after surgery and prior to treatment. I can honestly tell you that my fears of what chemo would be like were magnified and it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I can't speak for radiation because I didn't have any. I really feel for you and hope you have a support system to help you get through the fear and depression. My advice is to let your self feel. I found that it helped me to not avoid feelings and that they did lessen as time went on. Its like the brain can only hold on to fear so long then it tires of it and gives you a "numb" vacation from it.
Feel free to email me any time.
I am so sorry that your suffering from this terrible disease. If I were you I should have never be so brave. Don't be depressed laurie. I will pray for you, be hopeful and fight depression.
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