I'll Believe Anything

Last week was one of those weeks that cancer people have. Where the mind keeps nudging you to pay attention to the fear that stalks you. Maybe if you stop and focus, and just think intelligently about it you'll find the solution. You'll find some sort of proof that convinces you that you don't need to keep your thoughts in the present. Regain the courage to dream beyond 5 years. But no matter how many times you replay conversations with the oncologist in your head, or review statistics, the problem cannot be solved. Rightly, no credible doctor or researcher will give you a guarantee of a future without the return of cancer.

After several days I was just plain tired of being fearful. Being around others was difficult. I preferred to be in a dark quiet place because I didn't have much tolerance for noise. Searching online for new articles about developments in cancer research was comforting because it kept my mind occupied. When I failed to find the nebulous information I was seeking I started reading other cancer people's blogs. I came across Bert Scholl's blog and read it with interest. This reading introduced me to the Gerson Therapy. A natural, diet-based cancer therapy. Bert's blog intrigued me enough to look further into the therapy. Watching the 11 part video series on YouTube took me the good part of a Sunday. I was enthralled. The stories told started to give me hope. Hope for a future without worry and sickness. All I had to do was follow this diet/supplement/enema regime. I truely began to believe. With all my heart. I had spring in my step again and I was excited. Secretly I started thinking about a way that I could go to the Gerson clinic in Mexico to begin the therapy as a way to forestall a recurrence of breast cancer.

When John walked into the room while I was watching a Gerson video I felt defensive. I didn't want any one to burst my bubble of hope and optimism. I so badly wanted to stay optimistic about having a future without worry. But, it was at that moment that I realized that I was deluding myself. My dream of a carefree future began to unravel. When John left the room I cried.

I held on to the dream though for a few days. I don't remember exactly when I stopped. I just stopped looking for proof.

I am not ashamed to admit that I was foolish. You can snicker and laugh. It won't hurt my feelings. I won't stop myself from following another foolish dream in the future. It felt that good to be carefree for a while.