Hope and Trust

It feels much safer for me to stay on the ledge rather than take hold of the rope and allow myself to be pulled up toward trust and hope that cancer won't return.

It was a terrifying fall. I was running along a beautiful mountain trail feeling healthy and free. Not paying attention, not being aware that at any time I could lose my footing. When the fall happened, everything was a blur. I kept dropping and dropping through shock and harrowing fear, finally landing on a small ledge. Many times I have allowed myself to peek over the edge and see how much further I could fall.

I have also glanced up to see blue sky and rescuers offering a way up and out of my solitude. But leaving my ledge, which I have managed to make relatively comfortable, takes bravery. If I allow myself to be pulled up, to join the people waiting for me at the top, then I risk another fall. My mind reasons that it would hurt much less to fall to the bottom of the gorge from my ledge than to fall from the ridge above.

It takes alot to wrap your mind around the fact that you have cancer. I think it will also take alot to wrap my mind around not having cancer.