The Foreigner

I had an hour to waste this afternoon before picking Tanner up from school so I went downtown and stopped in at Break Espresso to escape the rain storm. Sitting there with my cup of peppermint tea, I couldn't concentrate on the book I was attempting to read. The last time I was in Break Espresso was for a business meeting with a client roughly a year ago.

I studied people as they came to the counter to order their drink. I was trying to imagine what was on their mind at that moment. No doubt some of them were having a happy go-lucky day, just going with the flow. A larger number were likely hoping for a respite from the boredom or stress of a typical work day. I found myself getting jealous and feeling something close to resentment toward the happy smiling people. Thinking that they were lucky to not have a black cloud of uncertainty following them. They have the luxury of feeling carefree. These feelings surprised me. I hadn't felt them before in relation the cancer.

I think I was struck with the feelings today because I haven't ventured out to public places much since I was diagnosed. And, its easier to feel jealous of strangers when I am unaware of the troubles following them.

I felt like a foreigner. This type of establishment used to be my stomping ground. A year ago, I worked and lunched downtown daily. I was preoccupied with work issues the majority of my waking hours.

Quitting my job and dealing with cancer has dramatically changed my thoughts and frame of reference. While I wish to be happy go-lucky again, to be truthful, I hadn't been that way for a long time. Not since my college days. Thats why my feelings of jealousy and resentment today were not legitmate and temporary. Those people I watched today were likely carrying a heavier load than me. I would not choose to go back to the state of consciousness that most people live in. The state of constant preoccupation with things that might happen to them. The thinly concealed unease of not doing enough, not working hard enough to assure success and security. The feelings of guilt for wanting to take some time just for yourself for an uninterrupted thought. To appreciate a simple pleasure, like silence, which is better than anything you can buy at a coffee store. To be calm enough to enjoy your family in the evening, rather than spending that valuable time escaping into the numbness of t.v. only to feel guilt later.

Going through a traumatic event pushed me into this unusual, often blissful state that is foreign to so many.