An Understanding

I fell asleep on the couch friday afternoon. I was troubled before I feel asleep. My mind kept pulling at me to return to an old way of thinking. I had given up this way of thinking when grappling with the cancer diagnosis. Dreaming of the future when time would be plentiful each day to do fulfilling things. A time when stress would be low because I'd finished working and was enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of labor. With this old way of thinking, with a false sense of safety, this restful time was going to come. I just needed to keep working hard and wait.

Lying on the couch, I was sad. I had been dreaming the dream for a few seconds (often I dream of John and I driving somewhere in a convertible with the top down enjoying the sunshine). Then, when I remembered that there is no guarantee that this dream will happen and I stifled the dream.

I forced myself to focus on the moment. Although friday was unseasonably cold, it was blowing and snowing outside, there I was comfortably warm under a blanket on the couch enjoying the silence, with a purring cat next to me.

Dreaming is normal. But we delude ourselves thinking that the future we are dreaming of is guaranteed. We can't keep accidents from happening. We can't stop nature from taking its course with our physical bodies.

I've realized that a false sense of safety gives the conscious mind comfort but on a deeper level we know that we do not have control over keeping bad things from happening. Deep down we know that bad things will happen to all of us. We will all lose people we love. We will all one day get sick and die. Not letting ourselves accept reality makes us more scared than we need to be.

If we can accept that these things will happen to all of us, and openly discuss it, I think we will diminish the power that fear has over us. This has been true for me. By accepting that I do not have control, my fear is diminishing. However I still have fearful moments. And my mind still wants to bathe itself with dreams and a false sense of safety.

When I woke from my nap I felt at peace. I think that each time I force myself to focus on the moment, and feel thankful for all that I have at that moment, I chip away at the fear.