Its So Easy To Talk About

I worked today with a relief pharmacist who was filling for one of our pharmacists who is out of town. I used to live across the street from her. When I arrived she took a look at me and said "why do you look so familiar?". I am used to this. People who I have not seen recently do not recognize me with my wig on. After laughing and telling her who I am and how she knows me we set in doing the morning refills.

I was so close to telling her why I was wearing the silly looking wig. I mean, the wig is so obviously not my hair. Then I thought, a cancer diagnosis is not something you drop on someone who you are going to work 4 hours with. I could have told her though. Without the tinyest bit of emotion. Cancer is just what happened to me. My appropriate conversation filter is barely functioning. Things are so comparatively good for me right now that talking about cancer feels like any other sort of news that you relay to bring a former neighbor up to date.

I also find myself talking with my coworkers about things like understanding those who visit our pharmacy who struggle to keep anger in check. People who are in pain, feel powerless or hopeless, sometimes show anger and frustration with very little cause. They are crying out for attention and respect. I understand where they are coming from. I feel like I can see right through their outward emotions. Being the recipent of their anger upsets me deeply, but in a different way than before I got sick. Rather than feeling reciprocal anger I feel sorry for them and that I have failed them.

I've had very little practice telling people about what's happened to me. I'm not sure what the appropriate way to tell people is. I guess I'll figure that out.

Since anxiety and depression lifted after treatment ended, I go for hours at a time without thinking about cancer. It was just a few weeks ago that I was very concerned about letting myself feel hopeful, when bad news could appear again at any time. However hope happened without any effort on my part.

The thing is, for the next several months while I am growing hair, its pretty outwardly obvious that I've been through chemo. If people ask me whats up I will likely be blunt and come out with it.