Tough Day

I end the day today feeling inadequate and disapointed in myself. Its because of my performance at work today. I allow myself to become intimidated and when that happens I cannot think clearly and my performance goes down hill. I rush to appear competent and make mistakes. Doing an entry level job. Its so embarrasing. My inclination is to think that I am simply stupid. Its easy to go there. Another incliniation is to blame it on the stress of the last few months or on the effects of chemo. That's also easy.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to try again. I wrote recently that its easier to feel happy these days. What I didn't mention is that the bottom falls out easier these days also. I trust that I will feel better about things tomorrow.

Underneath there's a worry. Today would have been a chemo day had treatments continued. I felt relief this morning knowing I didn't have to go to the clinic for a treatment. I also feel a little bit lost. A little bit scared. Does it mean that any remaining cancer cells have free reign now? Are there some in my body? Are there chemo-resistant cells there. No one can tell me for sure. When you know for sure is that when a mass reaches about 8 million cells it can be seen by imaging or can be felt. With fast growing cancer that may be within the next 2 years, if it happens at all. Am I a glass half empty type of person thinking this way? No, I don't think so. I think all cancer patients worry about recurrence. If I had stayed naive and didn't research enough to know the high rate of recurrence, I might have saved myself some worry.

Aaaaaaahhh I am going to bed. This is not a good train of thought. I will be able to shut it out of my mind and go to sleep. Dear family, please don't worry. I am really doing okay. This is where I can write about my fears and then let them go. Good night all.