Meeting Others Like Me

I went to my first support group last thursday. It's held at at my Oncology clinic and was attended by 3 other women. First of all I thank my clinic for doing this. They have two therapists there to guide the meetings. So there is cost for them. And of course they don't charge people to attend.
I suppress fear of recurrence as a matter of habit now. Except for when I break down. I suppose that happens every couple of months. My husband called around to find cancer support groups a few weeks ago and thats how I ended up at my first meeting.
Upon entering the room, which was relatively small, cozy, and very comfortable, I knew I was the new participant. The therapists were very kind and accomodating. They reviewed the 'rules' of the group, such as privacy and acceptance. Looking around the room I felt nervous, expecting that I'd need to introduce myself. When I looked at the other women I naturally tried to figure out their story. It was easy with one gal who was wearing a long blonde wig. No matter how good the wig or makeup you can tell when someone is still in chemo. She was the funniest and liveliest of the group.
I remember being that way. Trying to impress people that I was different than the typical 60-someting breast cancer patient. Not a victim. Not suffering and still vivacious. She put on a very good act. She has one chemo to go. I learned later that her breast cancer is not contained in her breasts. Ugh. She is about my age. Had a bilateral mastectomy, as I did, and is in chemical menopause. Her enthusiasm, while truely admirable and understandable, pierced my heart. She was so happy that I was there. We have alot in common.
I was asked to introduce myself. The first words out of my mouth were "I don't know if I can do this". Then I began crying. Being in a room with such kind people, some of whom understand on a level that no one else I know understands, overhelmed me. Jesus. I couldn't even say my name. I just cried.
They were patient though and I walked across the room to get a tissue and sat back down and started rambling. Started with my diagnosis. Where else would you start? Nothing before seemed important at the moment. I felt the needed to prove that I belonged. Yep, I had the qualification. The cancer passport. The upcoming 3 month checkup. Everyone nods. Everyone knows.
I'm going back tomorrow for another meeting. I have a checkup next Wednesday. My rib hurts. Same place as last time. Its not cancer. It just reminds me every few hours of the possibility.